Anyone who reads this blog must think I'm a happy person all of the time but that is not true. I am happy most of the time but there are times where I cannot stand life and times where I do not want to carry on. Those times are the worst for me and I hate every second of them. Normally when bad things happen to people they feel sad and upset about it but for someone with depression the feeling of sadness is heightened. I remember when I found out my mum had cancer back in March 2013, I was very sad and even got checked out and was considered mildly depressed. Then my mum died in December 2013 and my mental health decreased. I didn't talk to anyone about it because I wanted to deal with it on my own.
It wasn't until starting Year 12 (September 2014) where I realised that my feelings of sadness were much more rooted and heightened than normal people's sadness. I read up on how depression affects people and saw I was feeling the same as other people who had depression. I didn't tell many people what I had read because I knew they would call me a liar. I used to sit in my room and cry and do nothing because I had no motivation. Some days I had no motivation to even get out of bed. It was horrible knowing I was feeling this upset and not being able to overcome it. It got even worse after that. I never really self harmed properly until 2014. I didn't think it would help but I tried it to take away the pain I was feeling. I thought it helped. It got to the point of using a blade instead of tweezers. I don't have many scars but i can still remember seeing my hand and my arm and thinking what did I do to myself. Today I haven't cut for 150 days. That is over a quarter of the year. I am so proud of this number. Yes it does get difficult not to pick something up when I am sad or hurt but I remember people wouldn't like me to cut so I don't.
My studies were okay but I wanted to be better and it was starting to really affect my concentration. I would feel like I couldn't do anything right and I would fail and what was the point if I were going to fail anyway. I got okay grades in the end (BCD) I was happy with them but I wanted to do better and wish I had but my depression and anxiety were getting in the way. I never really talk about my mental health. It is not something I wish on anyone and I didn't think anyone wanted to hear about it so I kept quiet.
Fast forward to the beginning of October 2015. I remember the day so vividly. It was a Friday. I was feeling very low, I had no motivation for anything. I was in my last free period before school meeting and I just sat at my desk on my laptop doing nothing. That was the first time I felt like I didn't matter to anyone and I thought if I was out of everyone's lives that would be the best for everyone. I thought about suicide before but not like this. I did try to kill myself. I know it may come as a shock. It didn't work, I was trying to do the same as self harm but luckily the blade was too blunt to cut anything. I am glad it was blunt to be honest. I wouldn't be here writing this blog entry and my friends would be devastated.
I still struggle today with depression and anxiety. I am struggling through it right now but am trying to be strong for my friends. They hate seeing me upset and depressed so I am trying for them. It still makes me hate myself. I do hate myself. I wish I didn't have it but it makes me who I am today. If i didn't have depression or anxiety I think I would be a completely different person.
My advice to those who are struggling with depression:
Don't let it get the better of you. Before having one you were okay and you can be okay again. Do things that make you happy. It will become easier over time and I promise you will defeat your depression no matter how bad it is. When I feel really low, I watch funny YouTubers like Shane Dawson as his comedy makes me smile and laugh. If someone asks you how you are, tell them how you are really feeling. I know it is hard but they could help with the recovery from depression.
If anyone would like help or talk to me please email me: kay_mackenzie@outlook.com
Also if you would like to talk to someone you do not know, Childline is there to help: ChildLine
If you are feeling suicidal please talk to someone at the Samaritans: Samaritans | Samaritans
I hope you get better if you are struggling with depression. I know I am trying to overcome it right now and yes it is hard but hopefully it will become easier.
Katy x
It wasn't until starting Year 12 (September 2014) where I realised that my feelings of sadness were much more rooted and heightened than normal people's sadness. I read up on how depression affects people and saw I was feeling the same as other people who had depression. I didn't tell many people what I had read because I knew they would call me a liar. I used to sit in my room and cry and do nothing because I had no motivation. Some days I had no motivation to even get out of bed. It was horrible knowing I was feeling this upset and not being able to overcome it. It got even worse after that. I never really self harmed properly until 2014. I didn't think it would help but I tried it to take away the pain I was feeling. I thought it helped. It got to the point of using a blade instead of tweezers. I don't have many scars but i can still remember seeing my hand and my arm and thinking what did I do to myself. Today I haven't cut for 150 days. That is over a quarter of the year. I am so proud of this number. Yes it does get difficult not to pick something up when I am sad or hurt but I remember people wouldn't like me to cut so I don't.
My studies were okay but I wanted to be better and it was starting to really affect my concentration. I would feel like I couldn't do anything right and I would fail and what was the point if I were going to fail anyway. I got okay grades in the end (BCD) I was happy with them but I wanted to do better and wish I had but my depression and anxiety were getting in the way. I never really talk about my mental health. It is not something I wish on anyone and I didn't think anyone wanted to hear about it so I kept quiet.
Fast forward to the beginning of October 2015. I remember the day so vividly. It was a Friday. I was feeling very low, I had no motivation for anything. I was in my last free period before school meeting and I just sat at my desk on my laptop doing nothing. That was the first time I felt like I didn't matter to anyone and I thought if I was out of everyone's lives that would be the best for everyone. I thought about suicide before but not like this. I did try to kill myself. I know it may come as a shock. It didn't work, I was trying to do the same as self harm but luckily the blade was too blunt to cut anything. I am glad it was blunt to be honest. I wouldn't be here writing this blog entry and my friends would be devastated.
I still struggle today with depression and anxiety. I am struggling through it right now but am trying to be strong for my friends. They hate seeing me upset and depressed so I am trying for them. It still makes me hate myself. I do hate myself. I wish I didn't have it but it makes me who I am today. If i didn't have depression or anxiety I think I would be a completely different person.
My advice to those who are struggling with depression:
Don't let it get the better of you. Before having one you were okay and you can be okay again. Do things that make you happy. It will become easier over time and I promise you will defeat your depression no matter how bad it is. When I feel really low, I watch funny YouTubers like Shane Dawson as his comedy makes me smile and laugh. If someone asks you how you are, tell them how you are really feeling. I know it is hard but they could help with the recovery from depression.
If anyone would like help or talk to me please email me: kay_mackenzie@outlook.com
Also if you would like to talk to someone you do not know, Childline is there to help: ChildLine
If you are feeling suicidal please talk to someone at the Samaritans: Samaritans | Samaritans
I hope you get better if you are struggling with depression. I know I am trying to overcome it right now and yes it is hard but hopefully it will become easier.
Katy x
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